Why I Hate Superman

I grew up like most guys my age, loving comic book heroes. One hero I didn't like was Superman. Here are a few reasons why:

1. The Man of Steel is way too easy on these criminals. Some would say he has a strong moral compass; I would call him a punk. Why does Lex Luthor keep getting out of prison over and over again? He should be serving triple life sentences for the stunts he's pulled. I think he wants to feel needed because he doesn't have a home. Not being hard on the criminals may be a way for him to stick around. If it was Batman he would have iced Lex in a back alley somewhere in Metropolis. Way to be a softy Superman.

2. In Superman II he gives up his powers for Lois Lane. This is probably one of the most disturbing turn of events in superhero history. If I remember correctly Lois is in love with Superman. If you give up your powers you are just Clark Kent and no longer Superman. She thinks Clark is a buffoon. Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet, but he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. That scene when they fly to the Fortress of Solitude to give up his powers. How did they get back? What kind of hero are you if you are always willing to give up that responsibility? That's like giving up your millions to be with a woman who is only with you because you are a millionaire. You aren't a real hero Superman; you are just using your powers to pick up chicks. I'm done doing your dance. Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu suck!

3. He's an alien. I don't care if you grew up in Smallville. You're from Krypton and we don't want your kind here. Not to mention he mocks us by portraying Clark Kent as an idiot. There is a nice monologue on this in Kill Bill 2. So that's what you think of us Superman? A race of people who always seem to be messing something up. I'll take that as a slap in the face and kindly ask you to leave our planet now.

4. He has a split personality. Call it a secret identity if you want. He obviously struggles with his identity and sense of self (See #9). I could give you the whole "Superman never knew his dad speech" but that would be bailing him out. I think it's hard for him to go from bumbling idiot to hero in 4.5 seconds. We've seen the two personalities mix. He may crush a coffee cup or put a dent in a car as Clark Kent. I don't want to be on that plane that's crashing as Superman morphs back into Clark Kent, fumbling the plane at the last second. I don't trust people who don't know who they are. What if he gets homesick and decides to blow this planet up too? Pick an identity Superman, the world is waiting.

5. He's almost impossible to beat. Super speed, super breath, super strength, he can fly, faster than the speed of sound, the list just goes on. The only thing that can beat him is kryptonite. Cool! Where do I sign up to get one? Oh the planet it comes from no longer exists! What the hell! That's Super-lame. The only shot any of us have at beating him is a rare rock that is probably light years away. Why not just make him God and call it a day. If you ask me it seems like his real weakness is women. If they made a woman out of kryptonite it would be lights out for him.

6. No sense of style. Batman has style, Flash has style, and even Aquaman has some style. Superman is completely boring. He's boring as Clark and even more of a bore as Superman. Not to mention his costume sucks! He rocks tights, cape, and that stupid curl that looks like he spent too much time under the dryer at Gene Juarez. If I was Superman I would wear all kind of different color suits. I'd have the craziest color combinations. There is no reason why he shouldn't look good. I'd throw a Gucci suit in there just to be fashionable. I'd ditch the cape and wear an iced out 'S' on my chest. I think that would be a much better look for him.